Believe

I was a little hasty in my initial assessment of what appeared to be my good fortune and blessing. Since I had the good news a lot of work on my part to satisfy the conditions of the business loan and the home purchase deadline have caused me a lot of stress and frustration. I've had to question whether I am making good decisions that will not lead to a financial disaster. I want to provide a good life for my daughter and myself but when this is all done I will have exhausted my savings and inherited a mountain of debt with payments that I can hardly bear to fathom affording. I question whether this is all in my best interest when my insides go queasy as I think of all the consequences of these decisions. Think positively right? Positive thinking and over extending oneself financially are unrelated topics. As the countdown to signing my financial life away begins I can only wish that I make the correct decision and am not hasty in my desire to change my life. Sometimes you can't have it all no matter how hard you try. I feel like I'm in over my head and I can't really tell if G'd is with me on this one. It's a lot.

I paid my taxes now I'm moving to Philly...that was the plan in April. It's happening. I'm leaving the dirty dirty for the dirty city. I can't believe I'm finally getting up out of here. I told some people and after the obligatory congratulations, the big question everyone has for me is ............ did you thank God? That question implies a couple of things the first being that it's not obvious that I'm the type of person that would thank God, I'm assuming this because the question was asked. I'm actually happy to keep the world wondering and guessing because having faith in that which created and guides your life is in my opinion, a private matter. If it were not meant to be a private matter then the how, what, why and where would be more overtly obvious and these wouldn't be the age old questions that have been pondered since the beginning of human existence. The question also implies that I had little to do with my fate which diminishes my contribution and efforts as if to say if I had done nothing the same result would have occurred. I wonder about that too or maybe I put forth just the exact amount of effort necessary and that effort was rewarded. No matter what the rationale used it's really all speculated and it can't be tested with formulated postulates or theorems. No one knows. That is why I have a hard time disclosing to others my source of strength and courage and where I feel my guidance originates. I also think that if more people kept others guessing and wondering about what they believed in and how they choose to conduct or manifest their beliefs there would be more peace. A great source of conflict among humans is religious belief and no one really knows that is why they have to just believe as a matter of fact you have to 'make' believe. When I was a kid, I would make believe I was a doctor. Later in life I took all the courses and did the work to become a doctor and yeah, I did thank God for it every step of the way believethat. allahu akbar